THE Emails

It was challenging to find a starting point to tell my story. Still, my writing, thoughts, and clarity have increased significantly over the last few months. I do not like to refer to time linearly at all, as time is irrelevant to me, and I have noticed that my perception of time is no longer what it was. As your level of consciousness rises, you release the need to see time as a significant measure of anything. I don't even wear a watch at this point. But I felt this was the proper place to start this part of the journey. There are many layers and levels to the human experience; they are all intertwined as we are all connected.

To give a quick backstory, my partner, my lover, my best friend, and the other half of my soul is Ryan. We have been on this crazy ride together for 8 years (I refer to it as "The Ryan and Misty Show"). During those 8 years, we have had many seasons to our show, our characters pull away, have their own unique experiences, but always come back together. This has been the cycle for the last 4 years consistently. From my perspective, we have never been apart, even when we are not speaking to each other; he is always with me, and my love for him grows when we are apart, and I can learn and grow independently from him. We come back together and share what we have learned and experienced while away, and the cycle starts again. This first email was sent 9 months after our most extended separation, the most significant for me. I walked away from him on Sept 9, 2024, and chose myself, something I had never done before. I decided to walk away from the love of my life, my world, so I could provide myself with what I sought from him. I have been "awake" to our connection from the beginning. I know the cycle, I see the pattern, I know that each trigger is us holding a mirror to each other to show each other what we still need to work on in ourselves. We separate and work alone, in solitude, and come into self. I have been doing this every time over the years, but Ryan has not. He is still working his way through the video game levels. He finds himself repeating the same level, with the same monster repeatedly. My frustration hit a tipping point when I saw that my daughter is in this same divine relationship, and her divine counterpart actually woke up and recognized what they are to each other. This is just the first step in this process, and it's not happily ever after. Once this is realized, the work begins. I felt compelled to share this with Ryan.

To: Ryan

From: Misty

Date: Wed, Jun 18, 6:12pm

Subject: 6-18-2025

I had to share this with you, as although it is Izzy and Luca's journey, they have mirrored our relationship from the beginning, and what Luca just said to her brought tears to my eyes, as this is all I ever wanted to hear from you after all these years. That you see, that you know what we are. It is shocking and beautiful that Luca could express this to Izzy. They haven't spoken in months, after Izzy had a meltdown and blocked him from everything. She thought he was moving out of state and reached out last night. She saw him and spent the day with him today. He told her yesterday that he had tried to find her in every girl he had been with and couldn't has failed. From the outside, he appears to be making very foolish decisions, spiraling, lost, and distracting himself. He "woke" up; he knows he has much more work to do within himself before they can be together again.

How often have I told you I was just trying to "wake" you up? It occurred to me that perhaps this was another area where I am speaking a foreign language to you. I don't think you understood what I meant. THIS is what I meant. I "know" this is true for you and me. This is not in our control; it's divine timing. We will be brought back together at precisely the right moment in time, not my time when I want to have sex with you, not your timeframe of the end of the year; it's not up to us. I proved my own theory by actively trying every trick I had to get you to bring you back into my world, but it was not allowed because it's not time yet.

I have always had to read behind your words and read your energy, that doesn't lie, in your last email, the message I got out of those words was, "I know you're the one but I am scared to be triggered by you again and have more meltdowns, I don't think I am healed enough to come back to you, even though I want it more than anything. I am comfortable where I am, I don't have meltdowns now, and it's safe. I don't have to change or grow where I am. I'm in my comfort zone and don't want to leave yet."

Did I get it right?

Please don't misunderstand, I am not trying to get you to "hurry up", I don't want the old version of Ryan at all. Still, I miss your energy. I experience you in a completely different way than you experience me. I am frustrated, irritated, and mad that I have this connection with you; it's miserable. I have tried to move on and break the connection, but nothing works. It's you; it's constantly fucking you that invades my mind daily, sometimes hourly. I guess ignorance is bliss because you seem to be fine going along with your life on autopilot without realizing any of this. You just distract yourself, pretend it's not there, and deny its existence. At least that's how it looks from my perspective, and how could I know anything different?

I apologize for dumping, you don't need to "do" anything, I'm not trying to shame you or direct my frustration at you, again we have no control over this at all, I'm just venting and to be honest, I'm envious that Izzy is having the experience she is with her twin flame, I've been on this journey with you for 8 years and I've done my work, I have been to darkest places inside myself and rose from ashes to become who I am today, I have come so far, I feel like I earned it. It's not even "being with you" that I think I earned; it's just your acknowledgment that this is real that I am seeking. But just that statement contradicts everything I have learned; you cannot seek validation from outside sources, which only leads to disappointment. Ok, now that I'm treating this like a journal entry, I will stop now.

To: Misty

From: Ryan

Date: Wed, Jun 18, 6:12pm

Subject: 6-18-2025

Mist, Deep down in my heart the way you write this is a movie script that has potential for an Oscar or even a Grammy given some music. I’m glad that Izzy and Luca are working it out regard to your mom TJ and Mike everything you said makes sense. I value you as a very good friend who I don’t hang out with but I did in a previous life. To be continued, stay positive stay focused and simply be yourself because you’re worth your weight in gold and bitcoin. Xx

His response was typical. I completely gave up, I was not getting through at all, and I honestly just said fuck it and went on with my life. Didn't give it a second thought.

On June 24th, I was on the phone with my oldest son and received this text message:

"Mist. Off the wall. You avail to hang for a few? Odd day. Or if not I understand"

I won't lie, I just about shit myself. I went to the pool, and as I waited, I knew he needed me. I could feel his pain; all I wanted was to hold him and absorb it for him. When he walked in and came towards me, he burst into tears, holding him physically for the first time in almost a year was surreal. I had held him and felt his presence often, but it was not in the physical world. "Home" was the feeling that rushed over me; my other half had come home. I asked what happened. I thought his Dad had died, as his health had been declining for years. He blurted out, "We have to put my Dad in a home, he's going to die soon, Dave isn't doing well, Uncle Robert's back in a mental hospital, and I quit my job at Abstract 5 months ago." We went to the cabana and sat down, and he said he just had to see me; he was taking a chance that I would be at the pool, and if I wasn't there, he would tap on my window. He didn't get my texts back as he had me blocked. I'm unsure why he was texting anyway, as we constantly communicated through email. This lit me up because over the years, during our "time outs," I had always envisioned him coming to me, knocking on my window, chasing me instead of always running. I told him this and just asked him to let it all out, and I listened, didn't interrupt, just heard his words and felt what was not being said. I have always been able to read his energy; it never lies. I know exactly how he feels and why, regardless of the words coming out of his mouth. My translation of that conversation was

I look back at how I treated you and don't recognize myself. You were the best girlfriend. I am disgusted with myself, and I know things would have been different if I weren’t using Adderall and kratom. I told him everything happened exactly how it was supposed to for both of us. I needed him to do (and not do) everything the way he did so that I could learn what I needed. He was a catalyst for me to truly become the highest version of myself. I had to be allowed to choose myself and walk away from him to get where I am today. He needed to have me out of his life to make the necessary decisions. Forgiving ourselves is the first step to becoming our true, authentic selves. Forgive ourselves for not knowing any better at the time. Every time we get knocked down and into a dark hole, it's because there is something in the shadows we are supposed to see. I experienced so many doors slamming in my face over the 10 months we were apart, bizarre things that made no "logical" sense, but each time I looked at the situation and found the lesson in it, everything that we experience, good or bad, is for our growth and evolvement. Everything happens "for" us, not "to" us. Every experience is neutral; nothing is ”good" or "bad" until we give it a meaning. That's what we control: the meaning we give to the experiences that come into our reality. It's all a matter of perception.
After you left, I was in denial for months. It didn't hit me, I delayed my feelings, I distracted myself so I don't have to feel the pain.
I started my exit strategy from Abstract, and at my performance review in January, I just quit, told them I needed to spend more time with my family. I've been day trading, trying to get $2k monthly to cover my overhead. He had wanted to take this leap a year prior; we had talked about it, but he wasn't happy there. It didn't "feel" good anymore, but he was scared to take that leap. I was so proud of him for doing this on his own. This work should be done while we are apart, working on ourselves, growing, going inward, and taking action to create the reality we want to experience.
When my Dad passes, I will sell my condo and move in with my Mom. This was significant to me because the old Ryan never talked about his future, couldn't see a year down the road, never thought of the life he wanted, or made any effort to create it. We discussed him selling the condo a year ago. I explained the process, that he would have to make some repairs to the apartment first to get the maximum amount. He shut it down, snapped at me, and thought I was pushing him. I backed off immediately as I saw he was not ready to make that decision, and when it was time, it had to be his idea and his idea alone. This statement showed me that he was making progress and was not the old version of Ryan.

I made myself a 30 minute video to recap so I wouldn't forget it, it was just the way it should be, we picked up right where we left off, last year, saying the things that should have been told then but we both had to go our separate ways so we could learn on our own and then come back together and share that knowledge with each other. I realized my role in life this time, the start of Season 3 of the Misty and Ryan show, was to be there for him, holding the light over the dark hole he found himself in so he could see what he needed to do down there.

A Change In Perspective

I realized after that conversation that my role in Season 3 of the Ryan and Misty show was to share with him what I had learned during our time apart. I had gotten myself to a place of true peace and contentment regardless of my outside circumstances. To give you a 3D version of my life, I had not worked in 7 months. I went back to school to finish my degree in marketing, but not to get a job and go back to corporate America; it was to gain more knowledge to bring my business back to life with a more defined, direct purpose. I was and am still living with my mother. I have no income; I do receive some money from my student loans to live on. I am a minimalist and do not need external possessions to bring me happiness. What I went through to reach this point of true enlightenment is another story to be told. Nonetheless, I saw exactly where he was. This is how it started for me months ago: The Beautiful Destruction.

When everything appears to be crumbling in your physical reality, get excited because what is being rebuilt is for your highest good. I had to let go of everything I thought was "real" in my life: my friends, my job, my lover, and the money. I was stripped of everything and left with just me, and I had never been happier. I knew I went through this first to show him and everyone else awakening in the collective, the blueprint, the roadmap for how to exist in this New Earth, the 5D consciousness. I am the bridge; I reside in both worlds and aim to help others cross the bridge. I had been hiding on the other side for months, completely isolated from the 3D physical world. I knew that by his coming to me, which he has NEVER done, I am always the chaser, and that it was time. I switched into mentor, friend, life coach mode. The physical connection, sex, was never really the ultimate goal for me, being a woman; having our minds meet on the same frequency was always my goal.

To: Ryan

From: Misty

Subject: In Case You Had Me Blocked

Date: Thu, Jun 26, 6:20pm

I'm sending you all the sunlight I have. This is a very tough time for you. Emotions are GOOD, all of them. Feel them, let them out. Crying is cleansing! Also, remember to check your internal peace tank gauge, don't let it get to "Empty". You can't pour from an empty cup. Regularly fill up the tank; you know how to do that. You've always been good at getting your alone time. You have to be the light, the beacon for your family right now. You got this, Ryan; you are ready. Your light is on, you know, that light you see in me? You have it too, and it's on!! I saw it the other night. I was overjoyed to hear how far you've come BY YOURSELF. You had to have this time without me to prove to yourself that it was you all along.

I am so proud of you; words can't convey my happiness. There is no better feeling in the world than seeing the light in someone come on, where you are right now. I was giving you the cheat codes to get here. I forgot I must walk away and let you play the game yourself. I am here whenever you need a quick fill-up of the peace tank. It's kinda cheating, but not, that's what we are for each other. You need to vent, cry, yell, and scream (that is necessary sometimes). I am here, any time, literally 24/7.

I have always gotten messages from my higher self, source, God (call it what is comfortable for you) through music; this is especially true for my connection with Ryan. Music is life to me. I can hear and feel the messages in the music, feel the emotions of the artist singing it, and I can also hear when there is no emotion, no realness. That's what guided me when I promoted artists and managed them. I could instantly tell who was authentic and who wasn’t. Authenticity emits a frequency higher than the emotion of love, that is my frequency, that is my baseline, I am always my true, authentic self, no matter who is in front of me, you will get the same version of Misty if you are my friend, my mother, my child, my boss, my lover. I can instantly “feel” when others are not being real, wearing a mask, performing. They do not resonate with me, and I do not engage with others not on my frequency. I realized that once you find yourself, remove all the noise, the distractions, the programming, the performing, and truly fall in love with yourself, the frequency rises. My goal was to see if he could also hear the messages in the music. I know Ryan has the same gifts as I do; he is the other half of my soul, but what made me "wake" up may not be how he will wake up. I decided to just start throwing things at him and see what resonated and made sense. I was looking for the "Aha" moment, that moment when you see that inner light flicker on.

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To: Ryan

From: Misty

Subject: : *NEW* Daily Words of Wisdom via Music 😊

Date: Wed, Jul 2, 8:22 PM

You and I have always communicated through music, using songs to convey our feelings. This has not changed for me, even during our last separation. We are always connected and with each other; physical presence makes no difference. I think you fully realize this now. I would like to start sharing songs with you. I'll send the lyrics, highlight what resonates with me, and tell you what the song makes me "feel" through the lyrics. Think of these songs as the soundtrack for the "Ryan and Misty" show. I won't bombard you with these, most likely a daily thing, you can comment if you feel like it but it's not necessary, I just want to share with you again, I have missed your energy more than you know, you are my other half, my mirror, this fact never changes or goes away, no matter how long we go without speaking or seeing each other. My love for you grows even in separation, it's bizarre, makes no logical sense, but I don't mind cause I don't live in the logical world anyway. ;)

The first song is "Waves" by Russ. I chose this because it has helped me a lot when I have felt overwhelmed, and the weight was getting too heavy to carry, and I thought I would break. It came on my playlist today, and one particular verse really hits me. I sing it to you (usually get a tear in my eye too) out loud, "I need you to be you for all of these people to see you, I plead to you to be who you need to, just be in this moment, be free in this moment, you got it, you got it, you do".

Also, your analogy about the stew, having everything mixed together, and your preference to eat things one at a time, is the secret. It appears it's all mixed together, but you can pick just the meat out, the potatoes, or just the carrots. My point is that you may think you have no control, but that's the illusion; change your perception of what you are seeing, and everything changes. Take things one at a time, put off what doesn't need your energy right now, put everything into what does, and remember it's just waves, babe. ;)

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To: Ryan

From: Misty

Subject: Message in the Music Episode #2

Date: Thu, Jul 3, 9:46 PM

I chose "Mirror" by Lil Wayne and Bruno Mars cause I just rediscovered it and now realize what this song is about: finding your own strength inside yourself. Everything you need can be found in the mirror. It's crazy that this wisdom and insight came from Lil Wayne, but I am hearing music in a new way now. It speaks to me, healing and keeping me on track when I feel I'm falling off.

The message I hear is that we can't hide from ourselves; we can put on whatever mask we want to everyone else, but we know our truths, we see through our own bullshit, and the lies we tell ourselves to justify things we do. We are never alone; our connection to ourselves is something no one else can take away. It's not an external factor that can be removed. I love the reference to the smoke and mirrors; it seems everyone is just trying to play a role we think others want us to. I realized I was playing this game for myself and only for myself; it was a one-player game, and I couldn't play it with a mask on. I can't play it to make other people "feel" a certain way, it's just me, that's why I bought (well technically you did, lol) that ring, to commit to myself, to always be true to me, honor me, be loyal to me, love me in the ways my Dad didn't, my Mom didn't, the way you didn't. I give myself everything I need first, then give that love to others and help turn their light on. It starts by taking a real good look in the mirror and calling ourselves out on our bullshit, getting real with ourselves, being authentically ourselves with no apologies. Still gives me chills when I hear it. I just wish more people would hear the message. :)

Bring On The Triggers

Our 4th Anniversary was July 4th, when we officially started this mad, crazy journey that continues. I was feeling down that day. I have learned to "feel" every single one of my emotions, acknowledge them, examine them, understand why I am feeling them, and then release them. The old version of Misty would have pushed this away, distracted herself, and not spoken up for what she wanted or was feeling. There is a reference to a video I made for him. I contemplated sharing it here, but it is very personal and graphic. I basically broke down our last 4 years into seasons. Season 1 was when we came together, with pictures of us going to club after club, all the adventures we went on, and good times only. That season ended when the character of Nae came into our show. We'll get into that shortly. Season 2 was after a 3-month separation and lasted only 7 months, from February until September 9, 2024. That is when we went on hiatus from filming anything. Season 3 has begun and is unfolding as we speak!

To: Ryan

From: Misty

Subject: Happy 4th!!

Date: Fri, July 4, 10:30am

Today is the 4th Anniversary of the 1st season of the Ryan and Misty Show!! Being on this journey with you has been a pleasure and honor. I wouldn't change a thing that has happened. I am grateful for all the lessons learned, and I wouldn't be who I am today without you. I'm unsure if you got my video where I recapped the previous seasons; the link is below. *Warning: graphic content*

To: Ryan

From: Misty

Subject: Happy 4th!!

Date: Fri, July 4, 5:44 PM

I'm sure you have plans already, but as friends, I would love to watch the fireworks at the airport with you later.

My mood has dropped significantly over the last few hours, I am missing you, last 4th of July is playing over and over in my mind, and all the others, you are fireworks, you are 4th of July, this is the 1st year we have not spent it together, I am over joyed that we are talking again so maybe I'm asking for too much too soon. Still, the answer is always a "no" if I don't ask.

I received a voice message from him after this email. The truth started to come out, sort of. Ryan loves his white lies. Summary of the voice message: he is seeing someone, it's someone that he's known for 10 years, she's cool, she's only wanted to help him and support him, there's a lot of history there that he hasn’t told me about. He wants to see me, but he just can't right now because of his situation, and he doesn’t want to hurt this other person. He also mentioned that they have each other's locations, the exact quote was, "You're going to shit your pants when I tell you this". He also said, "once a cheater, always a cheater" in the message. I took this as he was with her; he cheated, and now she tracks him everywhere he goes. This absolutely outraged me. We are not possessions to be tracked; no one should have your location because they don't trust you. That was a huge red flag and triggered the fuck out of me. I sent him two voice messages back, losing my shit. Then I realized he may have blocked me, as he would do that when he was with her, so I sent an email summarizing the voice messages.

To: Ryan

From: Misty

Subject: Happy 4th!!

Date: Fri, July 4, 8:41 PM

In case you forgot to unblock me, here's the cliff notes of the voice messages I sent

I had TJ and Izzy calling me while making those, and the 2 min limit is a pain in the ass Anyway, cliff notes version - I take back my request to have sex with you, after seeing you I realized that is not my role in your life right now, it's friendship, where we started in the 1st place 8 years ago. I can't be distracted right now, and when we make love, it’s fireworks and oxytocin, it does something to both of us. I am not a 2nd choice or a sidepiece, I am THE choice and the main dish. I will not settle again. I just want my best friend back for now. It appears you have gotten into a situation where you aren't even allowed to see friends, you being tracked??!! We never even did that?! The Ryan I know would never allow himself to be on a leash like that, and it's "open"?! This is giving me deja vu big time. I went to battle for you last year, risked my own mental sanity, and I won't go down that road again. We keep it to email only until you decide you're ready to be off house arrest.

After letting this sink in, this is THE exact situation we were in a year ago today. It's presenting again to allow both of us to choose differently. I refuse to be anywhere near you if someone has your location, that just screams mentally unstable, and I will not deal with another crazy bitch coming at me because of you. Sorry, not sorry.

It is a 2nd chance for you as well. The lesson last year was for you to choose what you wanted, stand in your truth, and fight for your happiness and ours. There is no choice now. Unlike last year, I am not an option in that way until you do the right thing and stand your ground. One-player game, Ryan, I am not getting involved.

Email only, friends only. I don't want to hear about it, and I don't want to see you unless you aren't being tracked.

After sending this email, it triggered my PTSD from the year prior, which ended us. We were in a timeout in November of 2023, it been on and off for months, but this time I just had a feeling, like most women do, and I asked him if he was talking to or seeing anyone else. He finally came clean and told me he had been seeing our mutual friend, Nae. An older woman, who moved here knowing no one to restart her life and become a DJ, I had mad respect for that courage. I promoted her, I supported her, and went to her gigs. There was something "off" with her; she always talked about our relationship with envy, how we were so good together, she just “loved” us. They had been seeing each other for months whenever Ryan and I were "off." He kept dropping her when I came back, and then going back when I would leave again. That was the worst heartbreak and pain I had ever experienced.

The months that followed were agonizing. On December 9, Ryan decided to bring her to an event I was promoting. A few days before this, he had told me he was breaking it off with her and would be spending time alone to get his life in order. There was no warning; he just texted me that he and Nae were walking up to the venue. I lost my shit, I went out front, caused a scene, and made them leave. I was infuriated that Ryan would disrespect me like that, to bring that woman into my world, my event, with my friends, all of whom knew what he had done, it was unforgivable. I have never felt the rage, pain, and hurt that I felt that night. I was determined to not back down and let him get away with it; he would experience my rage. I have never been confrontational. People do shitty things all the time, and Misty just sits quietly and lets karma do its thing. I never stood up for myself, clapped back, or spoke my truth. I would just remove those people from my life without a word. Something came over me that night. I went to his house, knocked on the door, and there was no answer. I knew the door code because I lived there. I let myself in. It was dark downstairs. I could see her shoes and sunglasses inside of one of them, next to the full-length mirror I bought for Ryan. My heart was jumping out of my body. I felt like I was walking into a different timeline, this one is where Nae and Ryan are together, and I'm the crazy, jealous ex invading their peace and calm. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and demanded that Ryan come down and face me. I just wanted to know why the fuck he would bring her, how could you do that to me?! It was like he stabbed me in my heart and watched me bleed in front of everyone. I had to look him in his eyes. He yelled from the bedroom that I needed to leave, and we would talk about tomorrow. He sounded annoyed, like I was just an annoying little fly buzzing around. I told Nae everything he had said to her days before about not wanting to be with her. I told her he would say anything to get his dick wet and that he was playing her just like he played me. She came halfway down the stairs, sat on one of them, and calmly put her hands together and said, "What do you need right now to be OK?". As if I'm some crazed drug addict out of their mind, and she's using negotiation tactics to calm me down. I ignored her and continued to yell for Ryan to come down and face me. She said, "We're going to have to call the police if you don't leave." I didn't skip a beat and simply said, "Good luck with that, this address is on my driver's license, so if anyone doesn't belong here, it's you". She went upstairs quietly, and Ryan came down. He put his hood up so I couldn't see his face, walked downstairs to the front door, and opened it. I looked him in his eyes and asked him why the fuck he would bring her. He said he didn't think I would be there and that he and Nae talked and they are together again, and "she's cool". He spoke like a robot, with no emotion; his eyes were black, and the energy/feeling coming from him was not my Ryan; that was not him.

It was the oddest experience that night. It felt so good to have stood up for myself; no one could have brought out that side of me, only Ryan. It changed me; that was the beginning of me finding and embracing my dark side. She doesn't come out often, but if I feel I am being attacked and mistreated I unleash her. I don't let it slide anymore; I speak my truth, tell people what they've done before I remove myself from their life. In January of 2024, I felt compelled to reach out to him.

It's hard to explain, but I knew he was in a situation with her that he couldn't get out of, I knew she had control over him, and he was miserable. I could "feel" him calling to me. I waited outside his work one day, where circumstances aligned and I had an extra hour before a meeting and I was just minutes away from his work. What I had felt and believed was true. He asked me for help; he had tried everything to get her out of his life, but she kept returning. We called her the Terminator.

We got back together officially in February, I was staying at his place often and although he told her that we were back together, she didn't care, in July she started sending me emails from other email addresses trying to tell me he was still with her, she then sent me messages on Messenger, she was trying to break us up, she knew things she couldn't have known if Ryan had really stopped talking her back in March like he told me he did. I saw from the beginning that she was not well, that this would turn into a stalker situation if Ryan didn’t cut her off completely. He refused; he felt bad for her because she "had no one else." He was afraid that if he blocked her completely, she would kill herself. He left his work email open to her and hid it from me. I blocked her on everything so she couldn't get to me. In August, I decided to ask him if she had also left him alone. Ryan doesn't tell the truth unless you ask him a direct question. He broke down and told me that she had been leaving packages on the trunk of his car for the last 30 days, and he couldn't get her to stop. He was trying everything he could to handle it alone and not upset me. She would leave a brown paper bag with fruit, kombucha, protein bars, and weird shit. She would print out pictures of herself and truly believed that she was his life coach and had to save him from me, as I was a bully. I was physically and emotionally abusing him. She also truly believed that he was gay and scared to come out. So, the notes were words of encouragement to stand up for himself and take action in his life. This was ironic because that was all I had ever tried to show him: to speak his truth and not let others manipulate him. When I found out, I left her a note on the trunk of his car, thanked her for what she left, and left her a grocery list of what she should bring the next morning. She didn't like that. She started saying nasty things about me in the notes she left. Ryan would forward me the emails she sent to him at work, so we could start collecting them to file a restraining order. She came at me harder. Her emails would go into my spam folder, and I would read them, only to gauge her sanity, to see if the craziness was escalating. It was. I had my own experience with a stalker, an ex that wouldn't leave me alone, whom I eventually filed a restraining order against, and it all stopped.

It got to the point where I was physically ill hearing her voice. Ryan was too scared to file a restraining order, so I tried to file one. I gathered all the emails. I tried to tell the story to a judge, but as I wrote it out, it was clear that Ryan was the focus of this obsession. He would have to file this restraining order and stop it. I did file mine, but it was not granted right away. I was given a court date, September 10, Ryan's birthday. They would serve her the papers and notify her of the court date, and she would have to show up and plead her case as to why the restraining order should not be in place. I installed a camera at the front door, and we parked Ryan's car somewhere else, to get her to come to the front door to get evidence. We got it, days before his birthday, she "made" him something and left it at the front door. I finally had the proof, but I knew my case was weak. By reading her emails and voicemails she was leaving for Ryan, I knew this was escalating, and she clearly saw me as the obstacle in her way. I truly feared for my life. The camera gave me peace of mind. The front door to his house is secluded and surrounded by trees. I was scared coming home each night that I would be attacked. The camera gave me some peace.

The weekend before the court hearing, I emailed Ryan and, for the first time, I gave him an ultimatum: either you come with me to the court hearing and file your own restraining order if mine is denied, or I am leaving you for good. I had to save myself. I was putting my sense of peace and safety into the hands of another person. I knew that wasn't right. I had to provide that for myself, and if it meant giving up the love of my life, I would sacrifice that to protect myself. The other big piece that I didn't realize was a big piece was Ryan's daughter. We had never gotten along; she never liked me since we first met. I could feel her insecurity and jealousy from the beginning. I was a threat to her. Ryan kept her out of the stalking situation. He finally told her he would file a restraining order against Nae, and she called me to ask what was happening. I had to be the problem, as her Dad had never stood up for himself before, and I must be the one pulling his strings. She said she would go with us and support us on September 10. I was relieved because I knew that was the approval that Ryan needed. The day before, September 9, Ryan texted me and said he would not be filing a restraining order; he wouldn't even support me in mine. I wasn't surprised; I really didn't care. I knew I would find peace, and that was all I wanted. His daughter called me later that day, acting like she knew nothing about this. Asked what time we were meeting at the courthouse the next day. I told her that her Dad chose not to go and not to file his own, and I had to look out for myself and do what was best for Misty, and I was leaving him. She said, "You gotta do what is best for you". I told her to take care of Ryan. I told her all he ever wanted was to spend time with you, so give him that. I had watched him hold up his entire life waiting for her to reach out and ask to hang out with him; it was sad, really. She would make plans with him when she was home from college. Ryan would be so excited, and then she would cancel on him. Over and over, I watched her break his heart. It was partly on him because he never asked for what he wanted; he never asked to spend time with her, just waited for scraps of her time. At that time, I didn't realize that his daughter played a much bigger role in the ending of season 2. But the truth always comes out.

So you can see why, with the situation being presented to me, this brought me right back to a year ago, the same situation presenting itself, giving me the opportunity to choose differently.

To: Ryan

From: Misty

Subject: Happy 4th!!

Date: Fri, July 4, 10:25 PM

After thinking about this, I don't think I can even be "friends" and email. It is bringing up the Terminator; it wouldn't be a big deal, but when you said this chick is tracking your location, that is a huge red flag of "crazy". What I went through with the Terminator was traumatic for me. I don't think you realize how it affected me. I have played through the circumstances so many times in my head to heal and to figure out what I can do differently in the future so I don't experience that kind of fear again. I knew she was unstable; you didn't see it, so I don't trust you when you say this chick has supported you, we have been in an open relationship for 5 months, and she tracks my location. Alarm bells are going off again; you are not seeing it again, but I do. I do not want to risk her even seeing my name in your email and have her come after me. You have a pattern you keep repeating. I learn from my mistakes. I will not get sucked back into a nightmare over you and your poor choices and lack of taking control of your life.

I am disappointed, Ryan. You are doing so well in other areas of your life and making progress. How the fuck did you allow someone to track where you go?!!! You resented me and the camera as an invasion of privacy, and that was to catch a stalker. This is insane and a huge step backwards for you.

You came to find me on 6/24. You needed me, my energy, my presence; you felt safe with me because you are. After knowing this, I don't feel secure in your presence because you once again have a mentally unstable female attached to you. I told you numerous times to be careful with whom you exchange your energy. You and I are different; people attach to us when we have sex, especially unstable ones. I thought you learned your lesson after Nae. And don't try to explain it away and tell me I'm wrong about this. Any woman who is tracking your location after 5 months is not mentally stable. You are not seeing it again. This situation repeats itself to allow you to choose differently and level up. That is precisely what I said to you last year. The difference this time is I am not in the equation; you need to choose yourself for once, not another woman. Ryan, pick him.

I love you to death, you know this. I would do anything for you, but I can't play your video game for you, and I can't get sucked in and have your monsters come into my game again. I'll be here, on Lvl 13, waiting for you to join me.